|
EGG DONATION RECIPIENTS FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
THE "EMOTIONAL" QUESTIONS ENCOUNTERED WITH EGG DONATION
Questions around the emotional issues of egg donation are very often not discussed, but are very much felt by those seeking egg donation. Our view is that these are very real issues and we hope that the information that follows will help you in this decision.
Please also refer to our LINKS page for more information on the global world of egg donation.
How do I come to terms with needing donor eggs in order to conceive?
It is true that you will struggle with this question and its possible see-sawing and very emotional answers many times before and during an egg donation process. There will be times when you will most likely look at the positive, that at least conception and pregnancy is a possibility for you via egg donation. It is not the end of the world. Then there will be times when your heart will ache at the thought of never seeing your DNA created in a child and that you have been robbed of that possibility. In the end only you can find a way to process the loss and to look forward to this possible “second chance” at having a baby. Those egg donor recipients that have had one baby via egg donation and return for a second or third child will tell you of the absolute love, devotion and bond that they have with their child and how much they appreciate motherhood after all the heartache. They will also tell you that they could not love their child more, even if he/she had been conceived of her own egg.
You can also visit our LINKS page or click here to consult a psychologist who is experienced in dealing with infertility and egg donation.
The renewed hope and excitement comes once you decide to move forward and go ahead with creating your family.
Will I love the child as much as if it was conceived with my own egg?
Mothers who have birthed their children following egg donation will tell you how much “where the eggs came from” doesn’t matter once you see your baby’s heart beat, carry him/her for 9 months…and in that moment when you give birth and hold your baby in your arms…the joy is overwhelming and would be no greater where your eggs part of the conception. Unfortunately, you have to go through it to know that fact and understand the hindsight of egg donation and the ambivalence that many mothers of egg donation have once they have conceived.
Will I feel like a “real” mother?
When you are struggling with the concept of egg donation and grieving after your own DNA, it seems that motherhood will never be yours. Hundreds of mothers via egg donation, surrogacy and adoption will however tell you that motherhood is about a love so deep it hurts, a connection comparable to no other… its about protecting your child to the death, about putting yourself nowhere in order to put your child first…its about so much more than an egg which is 100 micrometers, roughly the size of this full-stop.
Am I the biological mom of the child conceived via egg donation?
The pregnant mothers body is responsible for the growth of the fetus. The fetus takes its required fluids and "food" compounds from the mothers blood via the placenta for the 40 or so weeks of its development. Its is the mothers flesh and blood that results in the baby's flesh and blood. She is the childs biological mothers and the child is her biological son or daughter.
How common are "babies born via egg donation?".jpg) .png)
In total, about 100,000 babies conceived with donor eggs have been born in the US since 1984. By 2004, donor eggs were used in 12% of all fertility treatments, and over 8,300 babies were born from donor eggs that year alone. Verified South African statistics are unfortunately not available.
Should we tell or not tell about our child’s conception?
For some intended parents the answer to this question is decided long before the egg donation procedure even commences. It is based on a peaceful preference for you and your partner. If you have not decided on whether or not to make your potential child’s conception details public or not, consider this advice from an egg recipient mother. She suggested that before you decide whether or not to make your child’s conception known…give birth to your child and then make a decision. Often once you settle into motherhood, the answer to this question becomes clearer for you.
THE "DONOR CHOICE" QUESTIONS ENCOUNTERED WITH EGG DONATION
Questions around the donor and how to choose a donor are important to review and are amongst the many questions that potential parents have.
How are Gift ov life’s Donors screened and selected?
- Donors are initially pre-screened to ensure they meet the Donor Criteria of our program and the South African law on gamete donation.
- They are then asked to fill out an extensive and detailed Donor Profile, which includes their personal and social history as well as their and their immediate families medical and health history.
- We verify her physical attributes and to get to know her as a person and not just a donor.
- Once a donor is chosen and contracted, the medical clinic proceeds with psychological and medical evaluations and blood tests.
What is the ideal age for egg donation?
There are two broad factors to consider in choosing an egg donor. Firstly the age of the donor will indicate the age of her eggs. Statistically, women in their mid-20s are considered ideal candidates for egg donation. The law in South Africa allows for egg donors between the ages of 18 and 35. Gift ov life accepts donor candidates who are between 21 and 34 years old.
How do I Find a Donor that “matches me?”
The reality is that there is no such thing as a donor that will match you 100% You are you! What you can do is look for ethnic origin, eye colour, hair colour and hair type, height, body type, personality similarities and intelligence similarities.
The reality, as one donor recipient mom said, “I have a girlfriend whose three daughters all have looks and personalities different to each other and none like their biological mother or father! We will get what we are given!”
After all the analysis, go with a donor choice that feels right and peaceful for you.
Please go to our LINKS page for a very helpful site in choosing the eye colour of your donor.
Should I choose a proven donor?
A proven donor means that the donor has either donated before or has been pregnant before. It is therefore possible to say that she is fertile. Remember however that all donors, whether proven or not, undergo medical pelvic and scan procedures to determine the presence of ovaries, eggs and to track how the eggs mature under hormone treatment. Should the donor fail to produce any eggs, Gift ov life will find you another donor of your choice or fully reimburse you the Gift ov life management fee.
How many embryos are considered a good number in a donor egg cycle?
Since most fertility clinics transfer only two embryos or one embryo in an IVF cycle, it is not necessary to have a large number of embryos to achieve a healthy pregnancy. This is particularly true if the egg donor is younger (e.g. under 32) Nevertheless, when there are many embryos from one egg retrieval, the recipient is more likely to have extra embryos to freeze for future use. Having at least 6-8 fertilized eggs is certainly desirable, and frequently there are more than this. The reality…you only need one good egg that fertilises and grows!
Nature versus nurture?
The “genetic or learned” debate is often a question that comes to the fore when potential parents are analysing the egg donation route to conception. The reason it is still a debate after centuries is exactly that…we don’t have an indisputable answer. In terms of factors which are often determined by genetics we provide the detailed Donor profiles in order to try and match some of these traits e.g.: eye colour and height. As regards learned traits…well you will teach you children what you know….how you do it…say it…play it…taste it and everything else little ones learn from their parents!
Can I choose a donor that is not based in the region where I would prefer to have my treatment?
The answer is yes, in most cases. Most donors are prepared to travel. The down side is that you will be liable to pay for donor travel and accommodation costs and the process may take a little longer given logistical co-ordination of the donors treatment.
What are the pregnancy rates expected with donor eggs?
According to Vitalab, a leading Johannesburg based fertility Clinic, the pregnancy rate per embryo transfer is *55%. The cumulative pregnancy rate of patients after 3 cycles of egg donation reaches *92%. The miscarriage rate is *15%. This contrasts with miscarriage rates of more than *50% in women conceiving with their own eggs, older than 42yrs, should they be fortunate enough to do so. * Pregnancy success rates vary depending on individual circumstances and expected success rates should be discussed with your clinic specialist.
Other documented success rates are as follows: <30yrs (age of donor/ eggs) 50% , 30-35 40%. This is compared to age 37-40 at 33%, and age 40-42 at 20%.
What does the field of "Epigenetics" have to say about the child conceived via egg donation?
Genes are expressed within a given child depending on the environment and its effects. The environment is the pregnancy woman's womb and its is her genes, and not the egg donor's, that will determine how the genes received from the egg donor, are expressed. The child born would have been emotionally and physically different had the child been carried to term by the egg donor.
Babies via egg donation & the importance of the birth mother
Epigenetics is a new (well to some of us!) buzzword in the field of egg donation for conception. Essentially Epigenetics refers to factors outside the gene, such as a cell's exposure to hormones or genetic variations that can modify a gene. Such factors can change what is ultimately expressed; they can change a phenotype i.e.: they can alter what an organism looks like as a consequence of the interaction of its gene AND the environment. In terms of conception via egg donation that environment begins with the womb of the birth mother. Some examples include hormone and reproductive factors in a woman that may influence the chances of breast and ovarian cancer. These factors are believed to be linked to a woman's exposure to estrogen and progesterone and their effects on cell differentiation in the breast that occur during pregnancy.
Conventional science has historically linked cell behaviour to the genes present. Latest research suggests however that cells send out signals unique to an individual that I turn receives signals from the outside. This is specifically interesting for birth mothers where it appears our identities may be formed in the womb, linked to an exterior field of energy.
World Epigenetics studies are now focusing on how donor conceived babies DNA may actually be expressed based on the woman who carries that baby. The study of Epigenetics reveals that our lives are more than the sum of our inherited genes. During growth in the womb and after birth differences begin to reveal themselves due to specific genes being active in some people and non-active I others. There are a number of reasons for certain genes to be active and others not including the way the hosts body functions, lifestyle and how we think and feel – our emotions and reactions. The world of babies conceived via egg donation it’s the woman carrying the baby at the conception of life that starts the process of which genes are active and non-active. The birth mother helps shape the baby she carries from the moment that embryo is implanted in her uterus.
What is important when choosing which egg donor agency to work with?
How should one measure the success of an egg donor agency? On the face of it one might say, “Well, it must be the number of pregnancies achieved!” “Is it?” Is the number of pregnancies achieved not the result of more factors than an egg donor agency can take credit for? After all, the fertility clinic and doctors and their treatment prescribed, the age of the donor and her fertility screening, the quality and quantity of the sperm used to fertilise, the ability of the uterus to facilitate the growth of the embryo. These are all factors that must be optimal in order to achieve pregnancy.
The fact is that all egg donor agencies are governed by certain criteria that ensure donors are viable as fertile egg donors. These factors include egg donors being between the ages of 18 and 35, having a certain and optimal BMI and being screened before an egg donation cycle is undertaken. These factors result in all agencies being created equal as regards the actual donor. Or does it? How does one rate an agency? What after all is the role of the egg donor agency?
We conclude that the role of the agency includes both “passport” factors and “differentiating factors.” Passport factors are standard practices that allow an egg donor agency to remain viable and attractive to recipient parents. They include, promptness in dealing with enquiries, a professional and understanding approach and first hand knowledge and experience of the IVF process. What then differentiates one agency from the rest, if it is not the number of pregnancies achieved, the level of professionalism and first hand experience?
Well, as recipient parents… what would be most important to you...what would be the differentiating factors for you?
Would you not want to know about the donors, whose genes you choosing, inside and out? Surely her grades at school, her tertiary education, her sexual orientation, how her grandparents may have died, whether she or anyone in her family suffers from one of 90 different conditions that can be passed on genetically, her parents hair and eye colour, their height and body frame…the list goes on and on. The fact is that not all egg donor agencies take the interest, time or effort to make as much information available as possible to prospective parents means that all egg donor agencies are not, in fact, created equal. At the end of the day, when that little miracle is born, don’t you agree it’s worth having made an informed decision? After all, as potential egg donor recipient parents, isn’t it worth it for you to take care in choosing an agency that gives you all the information? Gift ov life provides a 15 page detailed profile on each of its donors in line with international and local best practice. If you are not being provided with detailed information on a donor, ask yourself why. View our donors online and request a detailed profile - see the Gift ov life difference. And above this, we nurture our recipients...visit our Testimonials page to hear from other Recipient Parents.
We wish you all the best and are here to support you and answer any additional questions which you may have as regards becoming a parent via egg donation
I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown
There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
 I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
"One woman's journey to Hope Restored"
My Story...
Becoming a Mother Via Egg Donation
By: Anonymous
By the time I turned 30 I had lived many lives. I was married, separated, divorced, lost, gained and lost 100 pounds and had met the second man I was to eventually marry, but this time for good. It took him a while to do the marriage thing, and one of the driving forces was how much we both really wanted a family. We never talked about how many or how to space them or whether we wanted boys or girls, just the general, we want a kid type of thing. My husband is an only child and adored being the one and only in his family. I, on the other hand, perceive only children as extremely loving souls, but slightly selfish and anti-social. (Remember, I live with my husband). I was relatively young when we finally married, 35, and my husband was 38. We didn't wait long to "try" for a family (why wait - we had partied for over a decade), and I found myself not using precautions a few months later.....but to no avail.
My menstruation cycles were always like clockwork. I was not even 36 and I knew physically and emotionally, I was a fertile woman. I asked my husband to have the "man" test, just to quiet my silent anxiety. To our total astonishment and disbelief, the results of his tests came back extremely low....like in, off the charts below normal in the areas of sperm count and motility (movement). The doctors called it "severe male factor," not just male factor, but severe male factor. I could not get the words out of my mind.
Fortunately, I am a mover and shaker. I wanted a child and badly, so we moved very quickly to the offices of a private reproductive endocrinologist (RE). (In addition, my husband did everything and anything to participate - boxer shorts, less exercise, no saunas and nightly ice packs). We are fortunate to live in an urban city with many RE's and many well renowned clinics and medical centers. We chose a private physician partly because he took our insurance and partly because we had no hint that a simple insemination (IUI) would not work. Actually we were convinced that after a couple of months of IUI's, we would be pregnant. The RE was extremely reassuring and kept us coming back and back and back. We saw him as patients over a two year period with no pregnancies, not even a chemical pregnancy, nothing, nada, zero, zilch. After over a year of IUI's, (actually this was clinically "too" long a time for low motility), sometimes mixing in sperm donor, we moved on to in vitro fertilization (IVF).
I was on every kind of pharmaceutical drug combination, from Clomid to Metrodin to Pergonal and every combo thereof. The first IVF, with Lupron (a drug to suppress your system), shut me down so much, that it killed all my eggs. The second IVF, without Lupron, yielded about 8 eggs, 2 of which fertilized (extremely low fertilization results) and these embryos were transferred to my uterus. Hopes were extremely high, but no pregnancy.
IVF's three and four were relatively the same. Finally we were told, in addition to male factor we have low fertilization results and I am a low egg producer for someone my age. We were out of our minds. I was drinking in between IVF's, my husband was despondent and distraught. We were fighting constantly and I even had an affair one summer to try and get pregnant and tell my husband that it was a miracle. Our marriage was extremely tense and I thought I wanted a divorce. We both weren't interested in sex....why bother? I cried every month at that time of the month and walked around depressed, like why bother living? Why was God doing this to us?
With some guidance from friends and talking to people in the field of infertility, we eventually left the private RE for a very well-known facility. After spending a year on the waiting list when we were called for our first IVF, we were delirious with excitement. One thing about infertility....it will keep your mood changing like a rollercoaster and will either bring your marriage closer together or push you further apart. We went to the new facility for that infamous third day sonogram in preparation for our IVF cycle.
I was told that an ovarian cyst I had developed from the years of fertility medications had grown quite large and for optimal IVF success I would need a laporoscopy. The new physician who was treating us was and is extremely well known in the field of infertility and we unequivocally trusted him. He really wanted us to be pregnant. In addition, we had come by the information that the old RE had a less than adequate embryologist and with my husband's sperm count, we needed the best. Fortunately, by now Jacques Cohen had developed a procedure called ICSI, where they insert the sperm directly into the egg, rather than insertion into the outer layer of the egg. With this new procedure, combined with the trust we had for our new RE and the cyst removed, we were beyond convinced that a baby was in our near future.
Armed and ready for our first IVF at this medical center, we received a phone call from our new RE informing us that he was moving to another large medical center to head their infertility program. We had a choice to stay with a great program or go with another great program and we left with our doctor. In October we had our first IVF; four eggs, four fertilized, 100% fertilization rate, excellent "looking" embryos.....twelve days later, a chemical pregnancy, a nothing; a number a bit above 5 where they had to say I was pregnant, but I was not. We were grief stricken and panicked. Emotionally and financially, we were weary and drained.
One innocent day our beloved doctor sat down with us and mentioned egg donation. What? Just like that. I almost fainted. I wasn't a candidate for egg donation! I WAS 39 with a 6.5 FSH! THIS WAS SEVERE MALE FACTOR! I could not believe what I was hearing. Egg donation? This is for older women, rich women, high FSH women, not me. We only had one IVF with the miracle doctor! What was he saying? We were here for male factor, MALE FACTOR! What was going on? The voices were screaming in my head. The anxiety in my heart was beyond belief. I can feel the palpitations and relive them now as I write to you. The shame, the guilt, the WHY me, what happened, how could this be? We trusted this man and he wants us to go to egg donation?
A few days later, after I calmed down, I went to see the doctor privately for a consult. Basically, it went like this. He said he could do IVF's on me for another few years, a few IVF's per year, estimate $10,000 a treatment plus medications, to find that good egg; the egg that apparently was not coming to the surface for some unknown reason. Yes, the egg was probably there, but what was more important to me, being a parent or holding on to this finding the good egg theory? If I had thousands and thousands of dollars in the bank, and was in a better emotional place, he would keep us coming back and back, IVF after IVF, shots after shots, but when do you move on? When does having a family and loving and nurturing become more important than something the size of a pinhead? When is enough enough? I was, after all, a "low" producer, and this was not desirable, especially for IVF and especially for ICSI. Also, I had a "history" of a few failed IVF's (even though we do not like to include the years with the private RE). So, now we were considered male and female factor and we were in this "life" for four years. Four long years of trying and praying and crying and making deals with God. Many many of our friends had dated, gotten engaged, gotten married and had children since we started this process. We were disgusted by the entire scenario.
As a team, we decided to put our name on the donor egg waiting list and to try one more IVF with my own eggs. If it did not work, at least we would not have to wait long because our name would have been on the list. (Waiting lists for egg donation can be a year or more). I cannot even put words to paper the feelings going through me that March when we did our next IVF procedure. If this did not work, we would be "giving up" my genes, my eyes, my sensitivity, my generosity, my sense of humor, my loving heart. As you have probably summarized, the procedure did not work. Again we had four eggs and one hundred percent fertilization, but no pregnancy, and these years of struggle now became our version of "enough is enough."
I spent the next few months getting used to the idea that someone else would be a part of my becoming pregnant. I was not even 40 and there was this faceless, nameless, generous soul who was going to contribute to me having a family. But what I did know right away, was this woman would not be a part of my "family." She would be an anonymous, ambiguous figure contributing a mere seed to my pregnancy. My husband and I believe one hundred percent in this technique being anonymous, like the proven success in decades and decades of sperm donation. The medical center we chose believed the same thing.
What seemed like an eternity went by, which in reality was only a few months. We received the phone call we were anxiously awaiting. The clinic had a match. Just like that. A beautiful, young girl, with my eyes, a mother of two, who had successfully donated two times before (the limit is three times). A student, who came from a large family, with an untouched medical history, (ironically, my genetic history is riddled with cancer, heart disease, diabetes and smoking!) with talents for music and art and the law. I was exhilarated and overwhelmed. There was, of course, one downfall....my husband wanted her to be taller! What followed was another rollercoaster of events: the Lupron, the synchronization of cycles, the possible other recipient (which never came to fruition), the fertility drugs, the stimulation, the phone calls, how many eggs?, HOW MANY?, the disappointments, the quality of the embryos and then of course, the transfer day. After all was said and done, our donor produced eleven eggs. We were devastated because when you go through a process like this, you really want some frozen embryos, if the fresh IVF is unsuccessful. We knew the odds of success and we had never had a frozen cycle with my eggs.
Sunday morning we went to our facility for the transfer. Of the eleven, only eight embryos had quality fertilization results and only five were transferable; three had to be discarded. Again, we had one chance. (Of course this time, the eggs were 25 years old instead of 40 years old). I remember the wonderful physician who performed the transfer. She was loving and sensitive and she cried with us when we received the news of no frozen embryos. She really wanted us to be pregnant and she trembled during the transfer. It took 30 minutes; a procedure that usually takes five minutes.
Twelve days later, (the most stressful 12 days of my life), as I was in the middle of a job change, I received the phone call. Congratulations! I was pregnant! I cried. My husband cried. My numbers were high and they said we had a chance of having multiples, but would know better when they did my second beta test. If the number more than doubled every 48 hours, we had a good chance. It did. The week six sonogram showed two beating hearts! TWO, not one. We were out of our minds with excitement. TWINS! Our dreams had come true.
How can I possibly come close to describing the rest of this story. At week 20, during the level two sonogram, we found out we were having a boy and a girl, Baby A and Baby B. During the nine months or so that I was pregnant, I truly bonded with my children and they became mine, no matter how they got there. I took implausible care of myself and delivered my twins in the 38th week, which is remarkable for a twin pregnancy in an "older" woman. All I could think about was what would they look like and of course, if they would be healthy.
Today, many months later, A and B are my life. Every minute I spend with them is a joy. They complete me. Yes, they especially look like my husband, at least to me, but no one else seems to think so. I am told B has my eyes and is my image, and A has the shape of my face. The smiley faces they have when I walk into the room are priceless. They adore me. We are a family. As I write this, I cannot wait to get home to see them.
My husband and I made the choice not to involve anyone (except my best friend and some cyber buddies) in our decision, which is why this article is anonymous. Today, months later, we are extremely grateful we did not tell anyone. People just cannot understand until they actually walk in your shoes and we did not want anything about our children to be related to an "anonymous" person. We believe our children should know first and just pray that they are regular, normal kids.
I have gone through periods when I wonder, "Who are these children? They are strangers. They will never look like me or have my laugh or mannerisms. I sometimes have glimmers of regret because I could have searched for that good egg that I am convinced is inside of me. But does it truly matter? Did I really "give something up," or have the courage and the mental health to "move on?" Was and is the glass half empty or half full? These thoughts come from my head and not my heart because I believe in God and believe God speaks through people and believe your children chose you. Therefore, God invented the process of donor egg and these were the two children I was meant to have. Being there when your children are sick, when they fall and cry, when they need you and when no else is there, is truly what parenting is all about. And they will have my sensitivity, my generosity, my sense of humor and my loving heart because they will learn it from me. I am eternally blessed and grateful.
|